Here I am at the Rec, trying to find STAN who is poorly. The river Elbe looks beautiful in the distance. I feel peaky. I am carrying a defibrillator. There is a lot to do today. My mother and I are meeting the pastor to discuss my aunt’s funeral tomorrow. He wants us to talk about her life, her passions, what she loved and what her last few years were like. The latter part, of course, was the hardest. As we leave, I learn that SUPER GIRL has already helped STAN and JOE. I am not needed here and, to quote STAN, I can ‘wonder and spread the love X’. My mother and I both find this very funny.

On the way to the bank, I arrive at the Gasometer. There are plastic forks here. I am still trying to find BARNEY, but there is no sign of him. I hope he hasn’t left town. From the Gasometer, I go back to the sauna. CLOUDYSUNNY and VAUNCEY are here. There are coffees too. Nothing else seems to happen. I don’t know if I am playing the game too quickly and should wait longer in any given location, but I am beginning to find my play an increasingly strange experience. I feel that what I long for most is the ability, that I did have in Berlin, or, of course, that Mixed Reality Lab still have, to acquire an overview of the game. Without knowing where to go, without a mission, without feeling particularly good or even feeling particularly unhealthy, but, still, longing for some kind of company within the game, I appear just to be dragging myself from one location to the other. I also wonder now - why do I so much wish to meet others? Is it beacuse of my need, day after day, to produce a piece of writing? Or has it to do with me, my personality, myself?

At the bank we discuss what to do with my aunt’s moneys. We learn that she was a ruthless investor, who, in the last few months, didn’t seem to care whether she made or lost money. We also learn that only a few months ago she invested in a shipping business. Being a high school teacher, she never had a lot of money, of course, but she did have just enough to be comfortable. As the bank manager talks about boats, shares, bonds, current accounts, savers accounts, the phone bleeps in my trouser pocket. The legal and financial side of death constitute one of the first moments in which you have to think about what to do without the person you lost. It is always the small practical things that matter. The phone bleeping. The sprinkle in the eyes of the manager. My mother looking a bit pale. The memory of a fleeting, but gentle caress on my shoulder...

In my attempt to find something interesting in the game, I go to Pirate FM, which appears to be deserted. I am restless. I then go to Kath’s Café, which is now shut; Chefwork, where I can see SIR ETON but nothing happens; Max Agra’s, where TERRI DODDS is unwilling to chat; the internet café, where, in desperation, I look for BARNEY again without luck; Ron’s Top Chip Shop, where I can see JOANA and many SAVELOYS but again am not able to have any conversation. In the meantime, I spend the whole afternoon trying to sort among my aunt’s belongings. I find beautiful old photos of when she was in her twenties, some love letters and grateful letters from her students who loved her and remembered her, year after year, for teaching them all about art and Rome. I find photos of myself as a child, and photos of my daughter whom I know now will never get to know her the way I did. And I find things. Many, many things. I wonder, how do I deal with this? How do I sort what matters from what doesn't? Matters to whom - anyway?

Finally, between destinations again, I come across heavily armed troops taking position across the street. I am told that there is trouble in the air. I decide that I must now watch the cut of Strange Culture that Lynn Hershman sent me about Steve Kurtz while I was still in Berlin and that, because of the whirlwind of life and work I find myself in, I have not as yet been able to see. I watch the film. It makes me profoundly sad, and, as always, I wonder what I can do. I will tell you you all about it in the morning.

For my game tomorrow look at Day of the Figurines 11/10/2006

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