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Changes [Jun 23, 2009]

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Between Exeter and Nottingham, 4 October 2006

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The game starts as I am on a train from Exeter to Birmingham, on my way to Mixed Reality Lab to discuss a future bid with Steve Benford. I arrive at the Product Barn, where somehow I thought that I could find a stepladder but there aren’t any ladders here. I appear to have lost BARNEY too. I am told that I am poorly and reminded of my mission. I decide to go back to the Rat Research Institute. I pass graffiti – ‘The Prof will learn MAJER lessons’. This reminds me of my student years again, the ‘anni di piombo’, leaden with political terror and fear, but also, for me, the realisation that one had to learn how to learn and the beginning of some kind of awareness of the process behind the acquisition of knowledge. This also reminds me of my first attempts at writing about theatre, my encounter with the Living Theatre that was to change the rest of my life, the first time I saw Robert Wilson and Mario Martone’s work and felt there was nothing more exciting I would rather do.

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In the meantime I have arrived at Mixed Reality Lab. I am early and so I decide to walk about, listening to students, taking in this amazing place which continuously foregrounds what is possible in art/science collaborations. I am quite nervous and tired but also excited about the future. I have been following this lab’s work for six years now, though I have never written directly about it before. Because of recent events, I have not prepared as well as I would have liked to. I am anxious and, again, very aware of how much of myself I am giving away through this documentation. I suddenly feel caught in my own subjectivity and wonder whether there is any point in this exercise. I feel honoured to be here but, in my ignorance of this subject, I also feel strangely displaced. What would a scientist get out of this blog apart from some strange participation to my life? Can I really master another 16 days of writing? I have never written in this way before and although this was meant to be an alternative, explorative form of documentation, partly aimed at the possibility of a new e-science bid, here, now, I cannot but wonder what on earth I am doing.

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I am also still on my own in the game and in need of some guidance. I don’t know where to find a stepladder. The Product Barn has none. Maybe a Timber Yard would do? I look at the destinations’ list and feel confused. I wish I could talk to someone. Where are the other players? On my way to the Timber Yard I pass a small girl kicking a ball towards the Rec. I hear the echo of T.S. Eliot’s ‘Signs are taken for wonders’ and feel that perhaps I am now over-interpreting. Does this mean that I should go to the Rec? Should I pay more attention to these fleeting images that seem to appear out of nowhere between destinations. The timber yard is a disappointment. There is nothing there. I decide to go to Kath’s Café to see if I can find anyone to ask. Maybe I’ll find BARNEY again and have some company.

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Then, the first contamination between life and the game occurs. I find that I cannot resist the temptation to ask Steve Benford where I can find a stepladder. ‘Well – You go…’ Then he looks at me, slightly disapprovingly: ‘Do you really want to know?’ Pause. I am embarrassed but say yes. So he tells me. I feel relieved as its means I can pursue my mission but I also feel guilty for asking. I realise that this is still a lonely game for me, and I haven’t as yet mastered the art of learning from within the game. The phone rings but I feel too self-conscious to play in front of Steve or take a photograph of his office. Meanwhile, we discuss possible ways of documenting Day of The Figurines as well as a forthcoming collaboration between Blast Theory and Mixed Reality Lab through e-science. There is so much I need to learn here, about how to document, what to document, who to document for, what data are needed to document… I also need to understand what I would want to with these data, since this is not something I usually work with. While we talk, I pour my entire cup of coffee over Steve’s table. Everything, diaries, papers, documents, notebooks, becomes stained. I wish to be swallowed up by the ground.

Some time later, the meeting finishes and I leave. I realise that I am feeling very tired and overwhelmed, with just too much to deal with at a personal level. While I wait for the bus to get back to town, an old tramp with no teeth and a sweet smile presses a red rose into my hands. I say: ‘Thank you but you don’t need to…’ he looks at me straight in the eyes and answers: ‘Yes I do.’ Pause. ‘I do’. Silence. ‘Take it. It’s ok.’ The rest is another whirlwind. The tramp leaves. The game rings. I miss my bus. It starts raining. I am cold. I really need to apologise to someone. I need to do it quickly. I climb in a taxi with my rose feeling rather like an apparition from within the world of the game.

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I come back to my hotel and the game resumes. I do find the stepladder as I was told, and dash back to the Rat Research Institute where I am at last able to accomplish my first mission and rescue the dogs. This is when I get my fist dilemma. I look for BARNEY again and cannot find him. I feel run down and decide to go back to the Rec to catch up with others. I arrive feeling poorly and realise that there is a Fete here. BLUE and DESMOND, who has a football, are here. ANNABELLE asks HASSAN where he got his cool wristband from. I say ‘hello’ but hear nothing back. I am too tired to talk about Handke today but do send one last apologetic email from the hotel, a difficult and painful one to write. It takes me a very long time to put it together it, and almost as long to send it. I end up paying £30 for it. I have no idea of what is ahead and all my notes are covered in coffee stains.

To follow tomorrow's game go to Day of the Figurines 5/10/2006

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